-The Roles of A Deathwalker-
(End of Life Doula/Death Doula)

Death Advocate

No, we're still not getting morbid here.  Death and dying are inevitable.  As an advocate, I reach out into the community to encourage and motivate people to contemplate their relationship with this reality, and take steps to try and improve their experience - when the time comes.  "Their experience" is a loaded concept, and can refer to a person's own death, the death of a loved one (human or animal), or just the general concept of death and dying in general.  The goal is always "death aware" and never "death-obsessed".  I believe it is healthy to embrace the idea that each of us will die.  I do not encourage anyone to bypass the blessings of a happy, healthy, and wholesome life - a life filled with family, friends, joy, challenges, love, illness, and celebration.  Let's not get carried away, and forget that we are alive and our priority should be our LIVES. 

I am not blind to the fact that many people are not comfortable with this subject, and don't have any desire to discuss, explore, or ponder anything related to end-of-life, dying, or death.  I have no intention of making those folks uncomfortable by trying to force them.  That is, quite honestly, counter-productive, rude, and inappropriate.

I am also not blind to the fact that there are those who walk amongst us that have far more experience and information with these matters than I do.  I honor and respect their valuable contribution to helping people on their journey, and am always open to learn from them.  Medical professionals, hospice staff, and nursing home employees all face these topics on a regular basis.  Instead of trying to speak over them, I much rather invite and encourage them to share in a healthy and helpful way.

I am also aware that there are a great many people that are curious, uneasy, or maybe even overwhelmed by these topics.  It can be difficult to know where to start, how to create some level of priority, or even how to go about including loved ones in the conversation - so they can honor our priorities.  For some, end-of-life, dying, and death can be a lonely landscape, or maybe somewhat intimidating to approach.  Some folks just want to know that they are not alone in wanting to take steps to get organized, just as they would for a wedding, birth of a child, buying a house, or a career change.

I meet people where they are.

I hold a safe and sacred space for people to feel comfortable processing these deep and personal matters.  I pass no judgement on those who want nothing to do with this conversation.  I pass no judgement on those that feel they already have it figured out, and need no assistance.  I pass no judgement on those that are just dipping their toes in the water and have sadness or fear in their hearts.  I welcome those of every faith, spiritual tradition, or no faith at all.  I welcome those from all walks of life, cultures, and traditions.

The single most important thing I hold dear as an advocate for better dying is that people are in very different places in their journey, and they each deserve access to resources to help them along the way.  If all I accomplish as an advocate is to hold space for people to have a conversation and encourage them to play a role in their death process, I have done what I set out to do.

Companion

There are a great number of people looking for someone to walk the death journey with them.  Not that they want someone to die with them, they just simply don't want to tackle the process without the aid of some experience and a clear mind.  This is my true sacred work.  

Again, in my role as companion, I walk with people in all facets of death and dying.  

• Some people are facing death themselves.

  • Maybe they have nobody else to talk with about these matters, and simply don't want to be alone.

  • Maybe they aren't comfortable working through their wishes with friends or family, and seek a confidant that is separate from their everyday life.

  • Maybe they are overwhelmed and looking for a "project manager" to help keep them on task.

  • Maybe they have a full plate with everything going on, and just need some help.

• Some people are facing the death of someone they care about.

  • Maybe they are looking for some guidance as to what to say, what to do - or maybe what not  to say or do.

  • Maybe they haven't experienced death so closely, and are looking for a better understanding of what to expect.

  • Maybe they have done this a dozen times before and are just looking for a trustworthy shoulder to lean on.

  • Maybe there are some nuances that make this particular situation more difficult, and they are looking for resources to help.

• Some people are standing outside of death at the moment, and looking only toward preparation or curiosity.

  • Maybe they are taking advantage of a clear mind and light heart, and want to get started preparing for their eventual death walk.

  • Maybe they have people that they want to protect, and are looking to lighten the burden when they do reach end-of-life or death.

  • Maybe they have decided on some specifics for their eventual death walk, and want some help getting things organized.

  • Maybe they are looking at others around them, and want to figure out how best to show up when their loved ones need them at end-of-life, whenever that may be.

As you can see from the list above (and trust me, there are lots of other ways to companion in this subject), a Deathwalker has many ways they can show up and walk the dying path with others.  This endeavor is never "one size fits all".  Sure, I have lots of ways to start the conversation, lots of ideas for resources, and lots of practical matters that can be sorted out.  But, as one of my teachers shared with me, these are all items in my "Doula Bag" - tools which may or may not be needed.  The most important item in any companioning journey is YOU!  This is your journey - and your beliefs, your culture, your life, and your priorities should take center-stage.

So then, how do you get started?  Just ask.  I cannot do the work for you, but I can walk the path alongside you.  You must take ownership of your goals, and the first step is to reach out and ask to work together.